#14 - Make my arms look big

I had the weirdest dream this week.

It was a funeral. A funeral for a friend I hope to stay in touch with forever, despite the fact that we haven’t actually seen each other in ages - we’ve got a shared history, and that counts for something. Obviously, dreams are odd at the best of times, but the vibe of this funeral was less sombre occasion and more pre-match excitement. I didn’t think this at the time, but maybe it wasn’t a funeral at all. Maybe it was a work, and my supposedly dead friend was being a pro and not breaking kayfabe. You see, Miller is a wrestler.

Anyway, I was there with a whole gang. Friends going years back. And there, lying in an open casket, was Simon. A big man in life, and impossibly big in a suit that must have been a right nightmare to get on. It was bulging.

Everyone was laughing and joking, sort of like I wasn’t in on something. Then I noticed a piece of paper poking out of Simon’s suit pocket. I unfolded it and read the short sentence that had been written in bold, printed lettering:

“Make my arms look big.

“Miller”

Had I not been in a dream I’d have told him to stop being stupid, given that his arms are huge. But inside the dream I went into panic mode. I had to find something to fulfil what was seemingly his last wish. But what would do the job? What was big enough for a man already oversized?

I got everyone looking. We needed some things to stuff down his shirt sleeves that would plump up his arms. But there was nothing. Nothing apart from the cakes sat on the table next door, which I assumed were there ready for the wake: Two Colin the Caterpillar cakes.

If you’re not from the UK (or other countries that sell caterpillar cakes), these are chocolate sponge cakes formed into long, cylindrical shapes, made to look like caterpillars. There has been a whole thing over supermarkets copying the one true caterpillar cake, Colin from Marks & Spencer, but now it seems everyone sells them under different names. These two were legit originals. Only the best for Miller.

What we did next would have been very oddly received at a real funeral. Somehow those caterpillars slid right down those shirt sleeves, and damn… his arms looked jacked! Mission accomplished.

I spoke to Miller after my dream and he said he would never have an open casket. A closed casket would allow for one final twist - a dramatic burst out, Undertaker-style. I’ve now convinced myself we were all being played in my dream, and I’d been worked into a shoot. Real (dream) life and the scripted nature of wrestling had combined. We’d broken kayfabe.

But it got me thinking. Why did a man built like a tank, albeit a fake version from my dream, think his arms looked too small? Imposter syndrome at a fake funeral? I guess. It can affect all of us.

I’ve got a new project launching in the near future and I’m somewhat bricking it. I have an infallible confidence in recognising good work, offering advice, and championing great people, but when it comes to my own work I simply can’t see if it’s any good or not - if it’s big enough, so to speak.

I made a career for myself in games media, rather than working my way up. No one gave me a chance based on my potential, saw my growth and promoted me, and clearly thought I was good. Later on I got senior jobs largely because of my history. Maybe that’s fine, and I did earn it. But part of my brain says I cheated. I didn’t climb the ladder and prove myself.

I’ll run this blog post by a handful of people. I share little projects with friends, desperate for validation. After over 20 years doing this stuff you’d think I’d be over this by now, but my folded up piece of paper would read:

“Make my final article entertaining.

“TomO”

Maybe a couple of Colin the Caterpillar cakes would do the job with that too.

I have no doubt I have been and may once again be part of the problem, but we seriously need to get a grip on our hot takes. This week Nintendo revealed its remake of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and it seems the entire internet had no idea what to do with the emotions it brought to the surface. Emotions from a trailer that did almost nothing apart from show a sleeping Link. That’s it. I am sure there will be plenty to say about this remake, the original game being a bonafide classic you could easily put alongside the likes of 2001: A Space Odyssey or… The Best of The Beatles, but let’s hold on until we’ve got a little more to go on.

This newsletter isn’t entirely about video games - in fact, this one was mostly about a cake-based dream. I’ll have a think about some other bits and pieces and round them up in the quick reviews below. I’m a critic, too, you see.

Things I can review:

• Over Your Dead Body (Prime Video): I’m not sure I’ve ever seen such a darkly comic film before. The fact that Over Your Dead Body flicks from LOL comedy to nightmarish scenarios, and works, is a huge compliment. I don’t think the whole thing is quite as entertaining as it could have been, but the leads are superb and there’s a great cameo from “It’s him, the man from that show” - CSI’s Paul Guilfoyle. 4 shotgun blasts out of five toes.
• Working out (my living room): In an attempt to be healthier and transform my appearance from “scary man who works quietly as a fisherman and takes tourists out to a remote island” to “respectable dad” I’ve started doing some workouts. I won’t lie, my body aches in ways I didn’t know was possible. The day after the first workout I struggled to walk up my stairs. Still, I continue on. 3 squats out of 5 mountain climbers.
• That floorstanding Lidl fan I bought (Lidl): One person asked for a more in-depth review of the floorstanding bladeless fan I bought from Lidl, so here is a more in-depth review of the floorstanding bladeless fan from Lidl. It’s fine. It blows air. It rotates. It has 20 (!) power settings. It’s not that heavy. You can put your hand into the centre of it when it’s blowing and pretend it’s magic. 4 blows out of 5 oscillations.