#16 - Snap
I think I’ve figured out what makes my blood boil above all other things (barring anything annoying my kids do on an hourly basis). It’s when I try to carry out a simple task and it ends up being so frustratingly difficult or troublesome for a reason no one on the planet could ever foresee. These are everyday things that you do all the time without even thinking about, and yet, because the planets in the solar system aligned, you were cursed by a witch, or a black cat was seen riding a raven under a ladder, nothing will ever be more annoying than trying to get this thing done at this exact moment.
I warn you. Some of these incidents are so aggravating, I’ve had to use… swear words!
Listen, I want everyone to be able to read my inspiring words on video games and things, but I also have bills to pay and a desire for nice things (like Branston's baked beans). If you can, I'd really appreciate you upgrading your subscription to a paid plan. Or, if you are mega loaded, just scroll to the bottom and tip me an obscene amount of money. I've heard whales (high-paying fans) exist - maybe that's you!
There have been many such occurrences in my life, but even if I think about the last month the list is long. Taking a shower - that’s not a hard task. It should really be a nice peaceful start or end of the day, so why do I sometimes ram my elbow so hard into a fixture on the shower wall that I say “fuck” more times than Hugh Grant trying to get to a wedding? It is infuriating!
Everyone loves a nice cold glass of Vimto, the mixed fruit drink. Yum, especially on a hot day like today. Oh, what’s that, for some reason the lid needs about a hundred spins to remove it or else you’ll go to lift it off and yank the whole bottle over, spilling it all over the place? Yeah, piss off Vimto!
Fancy a cheap and cheeky ice pop in this hot weather? Simple, just grab one from the freezer. But, what’s this? The freezer drawer won’t open because a previously inert cardboard box of fishless fingers has sprung open and created a blockage stronger than a beaver’s dam. I might yeet the entire freezer into the sea!
Maybe this one is just me, but surely putting on a pair of shorts shouldn’t almost cause a life-changing event? How does a nice, soft pair of shorts suddenly become a torture device, one leg hole having sort of folded in on itself so when you try to put your leg in you end up stuck in an unexpected and unprepared-for yoga tree position? Almost fell head first into a bed-side table. Dangerous and infuriating! If this has happened to you, please let me know as the more I think about it, the odder it makes me look.
That jar of pickle you’ve bought about a hundred times in your life? Today the new jar won’t open. No human on the planet could open it. Best start jamming a knife down the lid and hope you don’t slice your fingers off! Why has that baby safety gate swung shut before you’ve had a chance to walk through it while carrying two bowls that won’t stack, three different sized glasses, and a half-eaten pack of biscuits? Fucking hell, can life be any more awkward?!
No one lets you cross an unusually busy road on the school run as you stand there next to a tiny five-year-old, in the rain! Fuck! Stuck in your raincoat because the zipper decided to go on a tear? Bollocks! HDMI cable won’t plug in as you lean painfully, contorted behind the back of the TV? Shit! Hotel bed sheet tucked in so tight that when you attempt to loosen it in the night you almost give yourself a hernia? Ouch! Why is everything so hard?!
This week I absolutely lost my shit (which isn’t as visceral or explosive as it sounds) when we sat down to play a family game of… Snap. Yes, the game where you lay down cards until you see a matching pair and then shout “Snap!”. This was the especially kid-friendly, twee, snowman version of the game - from a range of games designed for toddlers. You know how it works, because It’s fucking Snap! And yet, could anyone in my family (a five-year-old, a 12-year-old, and my wife) understand how to play this game designed for children who have only just started to talk? Could they fuck! Did they completely change the rules (that were so brief they were written in a small section on the back of the game’s very small box)? Yes they did. Did I storm off (sit on the sofa) in a bewildered funk? I did. It. Is. Snap!
I’ve had enough. I’m just going to sit here late at night, in the comfort of the gale-force wind generated by my fan and pretend I’m not miserable from the red-warning heat wave, schedule this newsletter and be done with everything for the week!
Lights have gone out… clock’s turned off.
No internet. It’s got dark.
Power cut!
My fan has fucking turned off!
FML.
The big news this week in the world of video games is the price of Valve’s Steam Machine, its micro PC that will fit neatly in your living room. The basic model, which includes only 512GB of storage and doesn’t come with a controller, retails for £879. My issue with that isn’t so much that it’s overpriced compared to what hardware costs these days (it’s not really badly priced for an extremely small pre-built system), but that it’s not giving you much storage to play with, you’ll likely want a controller, and it’s just a lot of money for a system that seems to be less powerful than the PS5 - a console that can be readily bought for under £500, includes a controller, and more storage.
I know it’s a bit like comparing apples to oranges, but it really highlights just how screwed the tech industry is right now thanks to the many unwanted impacts on prices - highest among them being the GPU and memory drain the AI industry has caused. I’m not against the Steam Machine as a concept, I just don’t see how it’ll ever reach its true potential audience in today’s economic climate.
Rich's Steam Machine review for Digital Foundry does a great job showing what you get for almost £900.
Oh, and GTA 6 was priced. And the physical editions are just download codes in boxes. I’m too tired for this.
This newsletter isn’t entirely about video games - in fact, this one was mostly about how the world seems to like annoying me (yes, just me!). I’ll have a think about some other bits and pieces and round them up in the quick reviews below. I’m a critic, too, you see.
Things I can review:
- The temperature (my house, the outside world): If there’s ever been a more blatant example of why we should be prioritising the wellbeing of the Earth and its inhabitants over the increased wealth of those investing in AI and its datacentres, it’s this week’s heatwave. It’s absolutely awful. 1 pool of sweat out of 5 rich world-destroying CEOs.
- Case 39 (Netflix): I watched this one morning having read an article claiming it was deserving of its place on the Netflix charts, and that it has a great twist. Let me tell you that it isn’t and it doesn’t. If you like your twists obvious from the opening scene, this one might be for you, otherwise please continue to ignore it. 1 odd girl out of 5 obvious signs she’s the problem.
- Egg sandwiches (my kitchen): In a break from cheese and pickle sandwiches, I braved the extreme heat to boil some eggs and make some egg mayo/egg and salad cream sandwiches. Added some black pepper and spinach leaves, and yum. Eggcellent stuff! 5 delicious bites out of 5 textural delights. (Note: I do not approve of salad cream. It’s disgusting.)
