#27 - I’ve had enough of all these bullshit headlines
I’m online a lot. My whole career (what’s left of it) is online, so I read hundreds of news and article headlines every day. As someone who has run multiple large websites in the past, I’m also very familiar with people shouting “clickbait” at any headline that isn’t straight to the point and dull. I don’t have a problem with interesting, intriguing headlines. My beef, and this is a very big beef, is with blatantly misleading headlines that are designed to fool people into clicking into a story. That is actually clickbait. It’s spreading. It’s bullshit. And it has to stop for the sake of the internet (and my sanity).
Listen, I want everyone to be able to read my inspiring words on video games and things, but I also have bills to pay and a desire for nice things (like a pension). If you can, I'd really appreciate you upgrading your subscription to a paid plan. Or, if you are mega loaded, just scroll to the bottom and tip me an obscene amount of money. I've heard whales (high-paying fans) exist - maybe that's you!
You’ll notice that many of these articles are written in such a way that you need to spend more time than you want on the page to get to the actual focus of the story. Google is semi responsible for this, encouraging publications to write more words to perform better in search, but there’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed, and these garbage sites step over it time and time again. Maybe I’m partly to blame, as I find a kind of masochistic fun in seeing just how a story has managed to twist the truth beyond credibility in order to make something out of nothing. I frequently share exasperated posts to a group chat full of website writers, just to get the anger out. But it’s not enough.
Make no mistake, I’m about to name, shame, and explain a number of the worst offenders I’ve noticed. I have no issues with the writers being asked to come up with these headlines (and I suspect lots are given formulas to adhere to), but I wouldn’t shed a single tear if the sites themselves folded into oblivion and those at the top lost a lot of money. Trash doesn’t deserve success and as long as they exist the internet is a worse place. I mostly read about video games, football, and movies/TV, so that’s where my focus is here. Strap in for the ride. It’s bumpy.
Harvey Elliott handed another blow as Valencia terminates contract
What this headline makes me think it’s about
Former Liverpool player, Elliott, who only recently moved to Valencia following a difficult few years, has had his contract terminated. An absolute disaster for someone who was a very promising player just a couple of years ago.
What the story is actually about
In the EIGHTH paragraph, the website reveals that this story is actually about how Valencia’s head coach Carlos Corberan has been fired.
My verdict
Fuck off you actual pieces of shit (and you can apply this sentiment to all the sites featured here). Sports sites are full of this stuff, especially during the football transfer window. Harry Kane might post a waving emoji on an Instagram post of a former teammate, while at the same time a current teammate seals a transfer away from his club. Some rather unspectacular events, but not if you are in the business of bullshit headlines!
“Harry Kane waves goodbye as transfer away from Bayern is confirmed”
Boom! Good job everyone. The internet just got a little bit worse for everyone. I’m quite good at this. Maybe I’ve got a future in bullshit!
Disney Officially Replaces Pedro Pascal as The Mandalorian
https://collider.com/pedro-pascal-mandalorian-replacement-gavin-hammon-lego-star-wars/
What this headline makes me think it’s about
A-list Hollywood actor Pedro Pascal, who plays The Mandalorian in the TV series and film of the same name, is officially no longer playing the character in future projects. A new actor has been found, which this story will tell me about. Big news!
What the story is actually about
Pedro Pascal has not been replaced as The Mandalorian, with Disney not having made any statements on the future of the character. In a new LEGO show, LEGO Star Wars: The Mandalorian, Gavin Hammon will play the character. Very much not big news, unless you're Gavin Hammon. Great news for him. But he already knows this.
My verdict
Classic bullshittery. Take a big name and a big franchise, find a somewhat related piece of news that probably isn’t worth covering on its own (in this case, a TV special being released), then twist it into sounding like big Hollywood news.
A trick used by a lot of entertainment sites engaging in bullshit headlines is to trawl lists of popular shows and movies on streaming, or new releases, to find a big name, and frame a story around it in the most obtuse way possible.
Alien just got added to Netflix. Everyone knows what Alien is. The fact it is doing well on Streaming isn’t news. But it’s almost a perfect storm of slightly related bullshit if you look around.
Director Ridley Scott got into a war of words recently about how he shoots his films, and his latest movie wasn’t well received by critics and didn’t perform well at the box office. These are some top ingredients if you’re looking to make bullshit soup.
“Slated film director follows box office flop with Netflix sci-fi streaming hit”
This isn’t a real headline, I just wrote it, but I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if a similar one exists somewhere. Am I accidentally doing a trial to get a job on one of these sites? I could do with the money... no, never!
Before I move on to games, I just have to give this all-time classic a shout-out. I don’t even care for Star Wars that much, but I can just imagine the reaction to reading this from people who do.
Lucasfilm announces Star Wars Original Trilogy Remake For 50th Anniversary
https://screenrant.com/lucasfilm-star-wars-original-trilogy-remake-sdcc/
The amazing thing about this story is that it’s doubly misleading. The “Remake” is actually a new comic based on the original movie (entertainment sites love writing misleadingly about comics as if they are billion dollar events), and it’s not based on the entire trilogy as the headline suggests - it's a comic about the first film, told from the perspectives of three characters. The internet is becoming impossible to read. Moving on…
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Resident Evil's next remake set to be exclusive to last console we expected
https://www.gamingbible.com/news/platform/resident-evils-next-remake-last-console-566664-20250113
What this headline makes me think it’s about
Resident Evil has in the past seen games release exclusively on certain consoles, if only for a time. Resident Evil 4 and the Resident Evil remake both launched on GameCube first. Code Veronica was a Dreamcast exclusive. So, while modern Resi games have been multi-platform affairs, perhaps Capcom was going back to single console releases. I wonder what the game and console is…
Of course, I didn’t wonder as I knew from the off that this was a bullshit headline, but I played along, worrying about anyone who uses Gaming Bible as a source of information.
What the story is actually about
My head is spinning trying to work out how this headline was created. The story is about a leak that claimed Resident Evil Zero is going to be the next game in the series to be remade (in fact it was Code Veronica). The story states it’s rumoured to be releasing on PS5, Xbox, PC, and Nintendo Switch 2.
My verdict
Originally Zero was a GameCube exclusive, so that’s probably where they got the term “exclusive” from. Throw that into a word soup containing all the key words, and ta-da. Bullshit headline generated!
Probably shouldn’t expect much from the site that routinely twists industry events to drive clicks. From just the other day, this Naughty Dog headline is an absolute corker!.
PlayStation cancels another The Last of Us project as Naughty Dog fans struggle to catch a break
The headline and multiple paragraphs make you believe this is another in-house project that has bitten the dust, but it’s actually Sony shutting down a mod project that isn’t connected to Sony’s studios at all. But hey, at least it’ll rile up PlayStation fans online!
I’m done! Today I’m blocking all these bullshit sources of news from my Discover feed. The thrill of seeing how news has been twisted arse over face in order to reframe it isn’t worth the continued visits I give them. I hope you do the same. Let's end bullshit headlines for good!
I’ve been playing a few games, actually, which isn’t always the norm these days. Resident Evil Requiem has impressed me so far, although I’m still fairly early on, having just played a sequence in which a chainsaw gets passed around in what would be pure hilarity if it weren't for the resultant missing limbs.
Marvel’s Wolverine has taken most of my time (full review over on Respec). This is a game that I’m sure will see brainwashed PlayStation fans claiming all critics are wrong, but it’s simply not a great game. Too simple, too repetitive, and not exciting enough.
This newsletter was mostly about how the internet annoys me these days, but I’ve been doing plenty of other stuff. I’ll have a think about some other bits and pieces and round them up in the quick reviews below. I’m a critic, too, you see.
Things I can review:
- Lipton Ice Tea Peach teabags (shops): My wife and son sampled some of these new brew-in drinks at Sainsbury’s the other day, liked it, so we bought some (in-store sampling does work!). I am quite the peach iced tea fan, so hoped these bags would do the trick. At £3.75 for 10 bags it’s cheaper than buying the pre-made bottles, and the flavour is great. Make sure the water is nice and cold and you’ve got a lovely, refreshing afternoon drink. 5 ice cubes out of 5 ice teas.
- Colin From Accounts (BBC): I love this show. Having binged the final (third) season over a handful of nights, I think it’s one of my favourite comedies ever. While the main two characters are both excellent and work amazingly together (they are married in real life), the supporting cast is brilliant. Don’t let the title fool you into thinking this is about an accountant. Colin is a dog, and the show is really about the comedic ups and downs of the central relationship. 5 flavoured beers out of 5 sets of wheels.
- Air Dry Clay (shops): I’m largely quite anti making things until I get going. There’s always a fair bit of setup, a lot of mess, fiddly bits and pieces, and a child shouting demands at me. But, I think I might secretly be an artist. Just look at this man I created with my daughter using some Air Dry Clay. This is the stuff that comes in sealed bags and is soft and mouldable until you leave it to dry. Just don’t get it on the carpet for Christ's sake!. 4 bright pink clay balls out of 5 funny eyes.
