#6 - Dream

It’s fair to say I’ve been in a slump. Losing my job of nine years hit me way harder than I expected, the severity of the break-up knocking me sideways. That part of my life, that part of me, was over, and no amount of goodbyes or kind messages prepared me for the sudden hole and disconnect I felt.

For days I’d go to open Slack on my phone and attempt to check my work emails - I’d even open up the big evil, source of many sleepless nights, Google Analytics! But they were all gone. Messages to former colleagues and friends helped, but the reality was that what had been at-times an all-encompassing part of my life was now something that happened behind closed doors. Doors that I was no longer allowed through.

After leaving VideoGamer at the end of 2016 I found it hard to care about my work. I put in the effort, but I didn’t think I’d ever find myself emotionally invested ever again. Of course, time passed, I built teams and plans, we created great things, and that connection grew. I cared deeply about the sites and people at Gamer Network, and always tried to do the best for all of them. It was frankly absurd to think losing that wouldn’t deeply affect me.

I hope my former employer won’t object to me lifting a few parts of my goodbye message on Eurogamer, as I don’t think I can add to what I said:

22 years (or something like that - to be honest, I've lost track of where it all began). This career is all I ever wanted to do, ever since I realised at a young age that the people who made Mean Machines magazine were being paid to do that. It was a dream. Not one my old school headmaster was that keen on my pursuing, obviously; his stern words attempted to push me (a working class boy who happened to be lucky enough to thrive at school) into a safe career in computing. So I did as I was told.

The world had other plans, as is hopefully clear to anyone who has followed me for the last two decades. I did get a degree in software engineering, but at the same time set up a business with a friend, and the rest is history. There have been plenty of downs over the years (running a business is hard, games media is hard, and working in games media for someone other than yourself is hard too), but I've never lost my passion to be part of something great - something bigger than myself that impacts people's lives. You might find that statement silly, for this is just writing about video games, but I wholeheartedly believe it's possible.

Forgive me if this ends up reading like an engagement-bait LinkedIn post, but sometimes I think you need a moment to snap you out of things. That moment came, not while ruminating over the state of our dog-poo-littered pavements or while trying not to piss myself, but while walking my daughter to school.

We’d just been talking about how she hopes her teacher is back at school soon and marvelled at the different colours on the trees, when out of the blue she said:

“Daddy, you know, I dream now.”

“Wow, that’s great,” I replied. “What do you dream about?”

“I don’t know… it just happens,” she answers, helping me more than she’ll ever know.

For her, my family, and myself, I’m going to dream too and try not to to focus too much on what about.

Moments later she told me that I should make her 10 peanut butter crackers for when she’s home from school. Ambitious, but a dream is a dream.

This newsletter, while truthfully only being about 5% about video games and 95% self-owns, gave me focus. It’s likely only ever going to be a side-show to whatever main event my life has in store, but it’s reignited my desire to be involved with something once again. I’ll get back to the usual more light-hearted quips next week.