#4 - Made by humans

Is there a phrase more feared by parents than "I'm bored"? Perhaps "It broke" or the simple but classic "oops". My mind is racing, my pulse quickening just thinking of where these could lead.

"I'm bored" takes the biscuit for me as it represents the end of whatever was happening (sometimes the dream, a peaceful moment of relaxation), and usually comes before an entirely unreasonable request to do something else far beyond my skill set.

"I'm bored," my daughter uttered as I enjoyed a sip of coffee , CBeebies favourite Molly and Mack abruptly losing its grip on her. "I want to make a spider."

Oh, joy.

"Let me just finish this coffee," I plead.

"No."

To Google or not to Google.

It's the Easter holiday for my kids, and while one is keen to spend as much time on his computer as possible unless there's an opportunity to beat me at something or convince me to buy something, the other is still only four. She's one of the few people in the world who thinks I'm fun, believes I can do anything, and is happy I currently don't have a job.

After a brief moment of panic, my instinct is to Google "How to make a spider" and follow whatever guide pops up. To be frank, the videos look a bit naff and there's no way I'm following an AI guide, so I decide to freestyle it. I'm a grown adult with years of life experience. A small spider* currently has residence on the ceiling above our stairs and I've seen all the Spider-Man movies... hell, I've slept beneath giant spiders in a caravan.

There's no more doubt in my mind. We are making the best spider I can possibly make! (and no, I didn't do all this for the newsletter. The idea to use it in the newsletter came later in a moment of desperation.)

How to make a spider from household craft items

I'm adding this bit in somewhat hypocritically so I have a shot at appearing in Google search as I need the attention. If you're looking for something to entertain your children during the school holiday, here's your step by step guide on how to make a spider using everyday craft materials you'll have at home. Easy to do with children of all ages, but older ones will be less willing and likely roll their eyes on the suggestion of making anything that isn't a boba tea.

Picking the right tools

I'm winging it, but I'm pretty sure that most craft projects can be completed with a pair of scissors and some glue. We've only got Pritt stick (other brands are available), and to be honest my heart is saying some runny PVA glue would be useful, but surprisingly enthusiastic crafting fathers can't be choosers.

Suddenly a flashback of the school glue gun hits me like a miniature poodle welcoming home its owner. The glue fumes, the balsa wood, the slightly burnt fingers... damn, wouldn't a glue gun be amazing! But no, this is a simple project, and I can't let it spiral.

The craft

For this realistic spider build you'll need the following items that everyone has just lying around. Simply follow these instructions with your child (or alone, with your partner, or with friends) and you'll have a new pal to hang out with.

• Straws - Feel a bit bad about this, as we all know plastic straws are the enemy, but paper straws simply don't pierce polystyrene balls as well. Note: Don't be a smart-arse and think you can use cocktail sticks. Trust me, your fingers will thank me.

• Cut the straw into two 3 cm lengths, and one 5 cm. No need to actually measure.
• Polystyrene balls - I forgot to take a photo of these, but you'll need two balls to form the body of the spider. Polystyrene crafting balls are perfect as they are solid enough to withstand a small child's excited prods, but brittle enough to push things into.
• Take the 5 cm straw and press it into one side of each polystyrene ball, connecting the two. I actually couldn't do this, much to the annoyance of my daughter who learnt some new swear words through parroting, so have your scissors handy to make some small holes.
• Pipe cleaners - You'll likely have some of these at hand for when you need to scrub your smoking pipes. Spider legs tend to be black or brown, but we went for orange and yellow to give the impression of danger.

• Cut the pipe cleaners into eight equal lengths. Don't be tempted to check how sharp each end is. They are very sharp. Be the adult. Be safe.
• Also cut two short lengths of pipe cleaner that you should put aside for later. You can choose any colour here, but be aware that these two will be used for the spider tusks, so don't go with anything too garish. We chose an adorable light blue.
• This part requires a high level of skill, so ask for help from a more experienced crafter if needed. Push each of your pipe cleaners into the smaller "head" polystyrene ball, spreading them out to form the creature's eight legs. Push them in just the right amount - you'll know what that is due to the human ability to have a good feeling about something.
• Beads - most families have a side business in necklace and bracelet making, so you'll have some beads. We went with cream coloured large beads, because we wanted our spider to have expressive eyes.

• Take the two 3 cm straw pieces and fold them in half so they resemble plastic sticks. Insert a straw into a bead, at which point the straw will try to unfold and hold firm.
• With one finger over the end of bead, push it into the head of the spider, then repeat with the other bead. These should be where eyes are normally found in your mind's vision of what a spider looks like. A slight side effect of our straw choice here (hot pink) resulted in a semi-demonic appearance, but it added character.
• With the eyes in place, next push the two small pipe cleaners in just under the eyes. At this point you could stop. No judgement. You've made a spider, just not one that will live long in your family's memory as one of the greatest moments in history. Do you want your children to love you? Again, no judgement. You can stop here and accept less.
• If you chose to carry on, next you'll need some fluffy bits of cotton. My daughter opted for purple, but the choice is yours. I don't think many spiders are purple, but there's surely at least one somewhere.

• Take your scissors and repeatedly cut the edges of the cotton balls until you have enough hair to cover what you want to be a very hairy spider. Of course, your measure of enough will no doubt depend heavily on the hair covering your own head. I thought we had enough, my daughter wanted more. Note: I found that children's safety scissors weren't up to the job, and at one point I considered garden shears, but persevere with standard scissors and you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel eventually.
• Generously paint the tops of your spider balls with the Pritt stick, then gently push the cut "hair" on. You'll want to make sure the arachnid has a healthy mane that suits its character.

We made this

I hope you didn't scroll down to the bottom of this article and spoil the big reveal. It's not overstating things to say that my daughter and I were thrilled with the spider we made. It might not be a photo-realistic replica of a spider, made by fusing the look of a million spiders into one, but it's our spider. Audrey the spider.

It's amazing what trying to do something and seeing it through, even if you don't really believe you'll be able to do it, can do. Not to get too preachy, but I assume you know where this is going. I think creating things is core to life and perceived failure should be embraced in favour of giving the task to soulless tools.

If you choose to follow this guide on how to make a spider, I've love to see your creations. @ me on Bluesky, I'm @vgtomo.bsky.social

This newsletter isn’t entirely about crafts and blunt anti-AI messages (I have other interests too). I’ll have a think about some other bits and pieces and round them up in the quick reviews below. I’m a critic, too, you see.

Things I can review:

• Hannah Montana: The Movie (Disney Plus): I didn't expect my four-year-old to be into Hannah Montana, the show starring Miley Cyrus as a school girl/pop star, but she very much is and we have very much watched the movie three times in two days. Maybe I've been brainwashed by the surprisingly entertaining Disney show (Jackson is my favourite), but the movie hit all the right notes and I learned it's where the hit song "The Climb" came from. A true man of culture. 4 Jacksons out of 5 Ricos.
• The Equalizer and its sequel (Disney Plus): I realise this is based on an old TV show, but honestly it's hard to imagine these "sort out the bad guys" movies without the incredible Denzel Washington in the lead role. He brings a level of cool and charisma that could make even the most trope scripts shine. I'm looking forward to watching the third film. 5 John Creasys out of 5 Franks.
• Alien Earth (Disney Plus): I watched the final episodes of this Earth-based Alien show and felt a huge wave of disappointment. Part of this was my fault, having believed there were nine episodes, when in fact there are just eight. So, during the final episode there felt like a build to something big happening, but it just stopped as if cutting to a commercial break. I'm not against cliffhangers if there's a guarantee of more, but this felt like when a child interrupts an important conversation to say they like fluffy sheep. 2 face huggers out of 5 real hugs.

*The small spider living in our house is named Betty.